Anchor & Evergreen

Ever since you, Matthew, came into my life and I realized I needed to get serious about pursuing adopting you ‘until you were with me or someone else,’ I have celebrated Mother’s Day as a mother even though we were separated.

This is my first time since then not doing that.

It was a little bit weird and a little bit emotional for a few seconds when it hit me in the evening and I cried for thirty seconds.

It has been four years since I left you on the island.

Weaned us off of co-sleeping for a week…that was so hard.

and this is the FIRST TIME IN FOUR YEARS that I’m not depressed and mourning over our separation.

We much both be in the right place.

I love you fiercely still, precious human.

By the time you turned four, you changed my life completely. You’ve inspired so much in my life. You taught me so much. You grew me up. Rather, you were used by God in my life for these things.

I believe in perfect timing.

I lived as a volunteer in your Children’s Home at the perfect time. I was there to literally hold you and pour life into you for two scary yet fulfilling months. (Only two months?! Such a short amount of time? Yes. A monumental two months!)

I have never experienced the blues like I did when I had to leave you. They were deep and they lasted a really long time. In spite of those blues, there was so much good in my life throughout these four years of your life.

I became your sponsor so that I could write to you.

I went to Aveda Institute so I could get a license to work in a spa-something I had wanted to do for ten years but was too chicken and just thought it would never happen.

I worked in an Aveda Salon & Spa.

I lived on my own. Somewhere with a room for you. I was floored by the support of people who believed in making a home for you. I have pictures of what your room would have been. Yes it was ready even though I wasn’t yet legally in the process. In the early stages of the adoption process, I had to prove there was room for you in my home and that it would be ready for you.

I bonded in a unique way with other adoptive mothers.

I was able to relate to young moms who were experiencing post-partum depression, because what I went through when I left you was so similar, even though I didn’t give birth to you.

When it got to the point where nothing was going on to get me financially closer to being able to pursue the adoption, I took the advice of a dearly loved and trusted friend, and I packed up the almost-completed adoption packet from your city’s government office and had a conversation with my social worker about it and put your adoption on hold while I killed two birds with one stone:

I got an Au Pair job in Australia. Something I dreamt of since I was barely a teenager and something I already regretted never doing. It was the best way I could find to raise thousands of dollars within one year so that I could finally get your adoption going with the government involved. This move to Australia was the BEST thing I could possibly do for you and I. For you. It was my way of preparing and providing for YOU.

Once I submitted this first packet which was ready to go, I’d then get packet 2 from your govt office and be able to be legally attached to you once that went through.

I am in the best place ever right now. I am getting paid to travel, to live. I am taking care of two little boys and keeping the home tidy (and cooking a lot!). I am experiencing JOY in a way that I honestly have not known in so long that I can’t even remember the last time I had joy like this.

Through it all, this whole four years of missing you so much every day that I was SICK over it and I had to work to convince my family and friends, “There’s more to me than Matthew. Really! There is…” (Even I was unsure of that most of the time.)…..through it all, there has been goodness in my life.

Because of the motivation your life has given me, I went to the school I always wanted to go to, I got the job I knew would be best for me in my future, I grew and matured, my strength deepened, my resolve to never give up in hard times became solid. It has been indescribably painful being away from you for these four years. Getting updates of you (especially pictures and videos on facebook from other volunteers who were going to your Children’s Home) ALWAYS made me feel better. Those were little moments of happiness and joy and rays of sunshine that never failed to make everything better.

When you have children one day Matthew, you will know how it feels to love someone like I love you…What it does to your heart, your mind, the way it even effects your body…loving this person so much you know without a doubt you would take a bullet for them. I have gladly, willingly, without hesitation sacrificed my life for you for four years. There is no way I would change any of it. Even now that someone else is adopting you. I am exactly where I need to be.

and so are you.

WE are here because it is where we should be. Of course that is hard for me to accept, but I accept it. I knew all along (and was frustrated because my life simply wasn’t in that place) that I wanted you to have a full family. Mama, dad, siblings.

You have that, and you have it NOW.

By the time you were four, you’ve already changed someone’s life far better than they ever thought it would change, grow deepen. You taught someone SO much about love. Real, real, real love.

and this is how God loves us Matthew-it’s just a hint of how much he loves us.

what!?!

I knew all along I had to try to adopt you until you were with me OR WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

and from what I can tell through facebook and updates from your children’s home, this family is seriously awesome.

I have mixed emotions, kinda numb, mostly happy for you, and very relieved that there is finally an answer in all of this.

It has been an intense four years, being away from you. So hard. But worth it all, because I love you.

Plus, you get to have two big brothers now. and PARENTS, not just me, a single mom, not dating, not married, etc. I really wanted to be able to bring you into a family, a home, but I didn’t have that.

That is why I am okay with this now. I have to be anyway, because I can’t change it. Turns out they’ve been in the process for a long time (why did your govt tell me you were available? If I knew someone else was pursuing it, and especially that it was these specific people, I wouldn’t have thelt such a great need to adopt you myself) (YES, I wanted you, but I was always frustrated that my life wasn’t where I wanted it to be before adopting.)

umm I still miss you and love you.

I hope we will know each other.

lovelove,

Me

I had a very realistic dream about you last night. I even felt your face just the way I remember it when you were an infant, cuddled up cheek to cheek when I’d hold you wrapped in my yellow hoodie. But in the dream you were three or four. There was so much going on, but basically, I had you here with me. I was packing clothes for you, and you were going to be babysat at my friend Bailey’s house for the weekend or something. You were so brand new here though, hardly used to being with me full time. I felt so fragile in how I treated you, because I didn’t have you and your mannersims memorized any more. I didn’t know how to predict your reactions to things…I was so confused when I woke up because I thought the dream was really happening…and I wrote a little card to send in the mail to you soon as I can. Love you much, little boy, and I miss you. <3